James and I have been together for nineteen months now. There have been highs and some serious lows. When things got really bad for him at home, he actually ended things between us for about a month before coming back to me. None of that really matters right now though because we’re together again. For the first time in over six months, we’re physically together again.
I have to say that last night was amazing. It had been months since we’ve been together and it’s easy to say that we made up for lost time. As soon as he came through the door, I was in his arms and that’s where I’ve remained. Well, except for the obvious moments and one other time..and it’s that time that I need to get down onto paper. It’s something that I never want to forget.
After falling asleep in his arms, it didn’t surprise me when I felt his hands on my body early this morning. After so much time apart, we couldn’t get enough of each other and it felt natural to turn in his arms and to let him have his way with me. I love that we’re so incredibly compatible that way and the girly, mushy side of me loves that after we make love, he always keeps me close. It was in those quiet moments afterward that he pressed his lips against the back of my neck and said the words that I never thought I would hear. “My beautiful flower, I want to spend the rest of our lives like this. I want to marry you.”
I swear that every bit of breath disappeared from my body and I couldn’t breathe. I was afraid that I was dreaming. There’s no way that those words just came out of his mouth for so many reasons. The obvious one is that he’s married. Then there’s the fact that my amazing Englishman isn’t known for bursts of romantic statements. Still, I had to know if it was real so I turned in his arms to face him. As my eyes met his, he leaned over to kiss me. It would have been so easy to get lost in his kisses. They’re like air for me. I can’t get enough of them. It took a lot to pull back and to look at him, but I did it.
He could probably read the confusion on my face. I have long been in love with him but I always knew that there wasn’t this type of future available with him. He had that with someone else. I was willing to make that sacrifice because of how much I do love him. I’d do almost anything for him, to make him smile, even move halfway across the country just to live near him. In the moments that it took for all of this to go through my head, he watched me. As my eyes met his again, he pulled me closer and told me that he loved me and he wanted that future with me but…
It was that but that pushed me to not only pull away from him, but to grab my pajamas and pull them on as I crossed over to the hotel room window. As I stared out over the early morning skyline, blindly watching the sun rise, I felt him cross the room to join me. He slid his arms around me from behind. I wanted to pull away but I couldn’t. I’d gone so long without him that my body instinctively pressed back against him. He held me tight, not forcing me to turn, but not letting me go. We stood like that for what felt like an eternity, my mind spinning with all the possible buts that he may have. Tears started running down my cheeks as I looked at not just the skyline but our reflections in the glass. He pressed his cheek against the top of my head and spoke again.
“I’m sorry, my love. Please quiet that overactive brain of yours and listen. I do want to marry you and I will marry you. I want that future with you, but I can’t give it to you right now. Not while I’m still married and I can’t leave her. She’s sick, maybe dying, and I can’t leave her to face that on her own. I will marry you though. You have my word.”
I didn’t know what to say. It felt as if my heart were leaping out of my chest at the thought of a future with him but then the second part hit me and while I loved him for being a good man, it hurt. The tears kept coming and I didn’t know if they were of joy or of sorrow. As for James, he didn’t say anything else. He just stood here holding me and waiting. I can’t begin to imagine what was going through his head as the moments dragged into minutes.
Finally, the tears stopped and for perhaps for the first time in my life, I decided to put logic and overthinking to the side and to just follow my heart. I had spent my whole life putting others needs ahead of my own and now it was time to do what I needed to do for me. I had already decided to move there to be closer to him so that we could see each other. What he was offering me was hope for a future that I desperately wanted, but had never thought was a possibility. If she lived for another year, another 10 years, it didn’t matter. Nothing would change for us.
Looking up, I met his eyes in our reflection and slightly nodded my head before turning in his arms. No matter if we were married or not, this man was my future and I didn’t want to waste another moment of our time together by feeling apart. I slid one hand up his arm and then laid it to rest against his heart. I didn’t have the words to express to him what I was feeling in that moment, so I merely said, “I really want that too.” I guess it was enough because the kiss that followed will be one that I remember for the rest of my days.
From there, he took my hand into his and led me back to the bed. After another kiss, he slowly undressed me and for perhaps the first time ever, our joining wasn’t aggressive, but sensual and slow. We explored every bit of one another and when we finally came together, it was with the knowledge that this was for always and forever.