I have a million things I should be doing, but I’m not. Why? Because I’m not strong enough. I wish that I were. I wish I were as strong as maybe I came across in the email that I wrote. I’m not though. I held it together until I canceled the hotel room and then I fell apart. What if I never have that again with him? What if I lost my last chance when I didn’t go con weekend last month? I love him with all that I am. He loves me. Why does it have to be like this? God, that sounds so selfish.
I know he loves me though. I’ve never been so sure of anything as I was our love for each other. I can’t just forget the words he’s said to me over the past months. I can’t forget him telling me that he loved me, that our time together was the best thing in his world at that moment, that he’s lucky to have me, that I’m his beautiful Kat. I can’t forget those things and I can’t ignore how his email said that our time together wasn’t enough.
I know he loves his wife and he should love his wife. I know that right now she’s not well and he says that she’s dying. My heart aches for him and for those who love her. I would never wish that on anyone. I want her to be okay. I would sacrifice myself if it would save them going through this. I’ve known forever that I would be alone and so I would sacrifice myself if it meant they could be always together.
I love him. God help me I tried not to. I tried not to fall in love. I told myself that it was just sex. It was just attraction. Then, he told me he loved me and that wall crumbled. I admitted to myself that I loved him and it was good. God, it was so good. We loved each other and when we finally got to spend time together, it was heaven. We talked and laughed, were serious and silly, and when we were together, everything felt right. For the first time ever, I had total confidence in a relationship. It was the strangest feeling. I’ve never trusted another man like that. I’ve never trusted myself like that.
Now, here we are. I’ve known the email was coming. I’ve known that whatever he said to me next wasn’t going to be good, but I couldn’t stop myself from opening his email with the same eager anticipation that I’ve had for the past 15 months. I knew and yet I couldn’t stop myself. As I read each word, I could feel the scalpel cutting into my chest. I could feel the slice but it was if I were numb. This couldn’t be happening, not to us. Not when we love each other as much as we do.
But it was happening. It did happen. He needs his focus to be 100% on his wife and while I understand that and want that too, it doesn’t seem to stop the pain. He says this way it’s cleaner, that a surgical cut heals faster and better than a jagged cut, but he’s wrong. Both hurt like hell. I don’t know how our relationship or love compares to cuts, but I know he’s wrong if he thinks sudden is better. If he’d given us time, believed in me and that I’d stand by him no matter, then there wouldn’t be a cut that needed healing.
I would do anything for him. Anything. That includes stepping back while he does what he has to do. I tried to be strong in the email, to tell him that it doesn’t change anything, that I still love him and I will be here no matter what and I meant everything I said. I did. It can’t be over between us. We’re too good together. We love each other too much. I lost it when I canceled the hotel room though. It was the thing that made it real. I won’t be seeing him in 19 days. I won’t be back in his arms. We won’t be holding each other or making love. It became real and it broke my heart.
Now, I’m overwhelmed with emotion. I want to hurt myself. I want to scratch and bruise myself until all the emotion is drained away. I want to hide from the world and never go out again. Don’t hide. Stop hiding. You’re too amazing for that. That’s what he told me. I believed him. Now, my heart aches and I can’t stop the tears. I can barely breathe. Somewhere inside of me I know that I can live without him but my heart keeps screaming that it doesn’t want to. Why should I? Why should I have to live without the one man who loved me for me and who saw me for me? Why should I have to be without the one man that I trusted?
I know this isn’t rational. I know that maybe it’s not even right. He knew though. He knew that I’d scream it’s not fair, even if I only did it inside my head. It isn’t fair and I feel selfish and horrible for saying those words. It isn’t fair that she’s dying. It isn’t fair that the universe let me love him so much that my soul aches. It isn’t fair. None of this is fair.
I’ve read his email a dozen times and it’d be so easy to see hope within the lines. It’d be easy to focus on how he says our time together wasn’t enough, and he doesn’t know what lays ahead after she’s gone. It’d be easy to find hope but hoping just leads to hurting. Everything in me is a battle right now. I so desperately want to hope that he’ll see what I wrote in the email and believe in us enough to say okay. I’m also horribly terrified of being hurt by him. That’s the trouble with love. When you love someone, you give them the power to destroy you. I’m teetering on that edge and I’m afraid of what’s next.