Story Time: The Proposal

James and I have been together for nineteen months now. There have been highs and some serious lows. When things got really bad for him at home, he actually ended things between us for about a month before coming back to me. None of that really matters right now though because we’re together again. For the first time in over six months, we’re physically together again.

I have to say that last night was amazing. It had been months since we’ve been together and it’s easy to say that we made up for lost time.  As soon as he came through the door, I was in his arms and that’s where I’ve remained. Well, except for the obvious moments and one other time..and it’s that time that I need to get down onto paper. It’s something that I never want to forget.

After falling asleep in his arms, it didn’t surprise me when I felt his hands on my body early this morning. After so much time apart, we couldn’t get enough of each other and it felt natural to turn in his arms and to let him have his way with me. I love that we’re so incredibly compatible that way and the girly, mushy side of me loves that after we make love, he always keeps me close. It was in those quiet moments afterward that he pressed his lips against the back of my neck and said the words that I never thought I would hear. “My beautiful flower, I want to spend the rest of our lives like this. I want to marry you.”

I swear that every bit of breath disappeared from my body and I couldn’t breathe. I was afraid that I was dreaming. There’s no way that those words just came out of his mouth for so many reasons. The obvious one is that he’s married. Then there’s the fact that my amazing Englishman isn’t known for bursts of romantic statements. Still, I had to know if it was real so I turned in his arms to face him. As my eyes met his, he leaned over to kiss me. It would have been so easy to get lost in his kisses. They’re like air for me. I can’t get enough of them. It took a lot to pull back and to look at him, but I did it.

He could probably read the confusion on my face. I have long been in love with him but I always knew that there wasn’t this type of future available with him. He had that with someone else. I was willing to make that sacrifice because of how much I do love him. I’d do almost anything for him, to make him smile, even move halfway across the country just to live near him. In the moments that it took for all of this to go through my head, he watched me. As my eyes met his again, he pulled me closer and told me that he loved me and he wanted that future with me but…

It was that but that pushed me to not only pull away from him, but to grab my pajamas and pull them on as I crossed over to the hotel room window. As I stared out over the early morning skyline, blindly watching the sun rise, I felt him cross the room to join me. He slid his arms around me from behind. I wanted to pull away but I couldn’t. I’d gone so long without him that my body instinctively pressed back against him. He held me tight, not forcing me to turn, but not letting me go. We stood like that for what felt like an eternity, my mind spinning with all the possible buts that he may have. Tears started running down my cheeks as I looked at not just the skyline but our reflections in the glass. He pressed his cheek against the top of my head and spoke again.

“I’m sorry, my love. Please quiet that overactive brain of yours and listen. I do want to marry you and I will marry you. I want that future with you, but I can’t give it to you right now. Not while I’m still married and I can’t leave her. She’s sick, maybe dying, and I can’t leave her to face that on her own. I will marry you though. You have my word.”

I didn’t know what to say. It felt as if my heart were leaping out of my chest at the thought of a future with him but then the second part hit me and while I loved him for being a good man, it hurt.  The tears kept coming and I didn’t know if they were of joy or of sorrow. As for James, he didn’t say anything else. He just stood here holding me and waiting. I can’t begin to imagine what was going through his head as the moments dragged into minutes.

Finally, the tears stopped and for perhaps for the first time in my life, I decided to put logic and overthinking to the side and to just follow my heart. I had spent my whole life putting others needs ahead of my own and now it was time to do what I needed to do for me.  I had already decided to move there to be closer to him so that we could see each other. What he was offering me was hope for a future that I desperately wanted, but had never thought was a possibility. If she lived for another year, another 10 years, it didn’t matter. Nothing would change for us.

Looking up, I met his eyes in our reflection and slightly nodded my head before turning in his arms. No matter if we were married or not, this man was my future and I didn’t want to waste another moment of our time together by feeling apart. I slid one hand up his arm and then laid it to rest against his heart. I didn’t have the words to express to him what I was feeling in that moment, so I merely said, “I really want that too.” I guess it was enough because the kiss that followed will be one that I remember for the rest of my days.

From there, he took my hand into his and led me back to the bed. After another kiss, he slowly undressed me and for perhaps the first time ever, our joining wasn’t aggressive, but sensual and slow. We explored every bit of one another and when we finally came together, it was with the knowledge that this was for always and forever.

Dying

I’m dying and there’s nothing anyone can do. I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but sometimes life…and death…aren’t what we want for them to be. Mine will be an invisible death. Nobody will see it happening and they may not notice when it’s done. I’m dying from the inside out and because of you, nobody can see the pain.

You encouraged me to stop hiding, to put myself out into the world, and then you locked me in a closet and because of who you are, I can’t tell anyone. Instead, I take the pain into myself and stare blankly ahead as it eats away at my soul. Soon, there will be nothing left. I’ll just be a shell. Useless and empty but no one will notice.

I’ve stopped eating. The pain is too much. He places food in front of me, begging me to take a bite, to eat anything, but I can’t, not even for him. The thought of eating chokes me and I gag. There are bruises on my body, hidden away. Nobody will see them and no one will know the physical damage that I’ve caused myself. Glass dildos have multiple purposes, after all. Soon I will add a new layer of bruising. I cannot let the bruises fade.

Soon it won’t matter though because as the pain and bruises fade away, so do I. Soon there will just be a body where I once was. Soon there won’t even be that. I’m dying and there’s nothing anyone can do because I can never share this pain. Soon I will return all of the things that made me yours. I am no longer beautiful. I am hideous in my pain. I don’t deserve what you gave me before you took it all away. Soon it won’t matter. Someone else will have it.

Piece by piece, I’ll give it away just like piece by piece I die. Others will love it, but none will love me. Eat something, he begs of me again, but I can’t. My head is spinning and I just want to go. I struggle to find my breath. My voice is long gone. The only thing left is a tight pain in my throat where the words have piled up. I want to scream, to beg someone to help me, to take away the pain, but the words won’t come and I can only stare wildly about, tears streaming down my face.

It’s too late. I’m too far gone. I want to tell you that I love you, to beg for you to tell me that it will be okay, but we both know better. It won’t. I’m done. I’m over. I’m dying and there’s nothing anyone can do.

Journal: My Love, My Broken Heart

I have a million things I should be doing, but I’m not. Why? Because I’m not strong enough. I wish that I were. I wish I were as strong as maybe I came across in the email that I wrote. I’m not though. I held it together until I canceled the hotel room and then I fell apart. What if I never have that again with him? What if I lost my last chance when I didn’t go con weekend last month? I love him with all that I am. He loves me. Why does it have to be like this? God, that sounds so selfish.

I know he loves me though. I’ve never been so sure of anything as I was our love for each other. I can’t just forget the words he’s said to me over the past months. I can’t forget him telling me that he loved me, that our time together was the best thing in his world at that moment, that he’s lucky to have me, that I’m his beautiful Kat. I can’t forget those things and I can’t ignore how his email said that our time together wasn’t enough.

I know he loves his wife and he should love his wife. I know that right now she’s not well and he says that she’s dying. My heart aches for him and for those who love her. I would never wish that on anyone. I want her to be okay. I would sacrifice myself if it would save them going through this. I’ve known forever that I would be alone and so I would sacrifice myself if it meant they could be always together.

I love him. God help me I tried not to. I tried not to fall in love. I told myself that it was just sex. It was just attraction. Then, he told me he loved me and that wall crumbled. I admitted to myself that I loved him and it was good. God, it was so good. We loved each other and when we finally got to spend time together, it was heaven. We talked and laughed, were serious and silly, and when we were together, everything felt right. For the first time ever, I had total confidence in a relationship. It was the strangest feeling. I’ve never trusted another man like that. I’ve never trusted myself like that.

Now, here we are. I’ve known the email was coming. I’ve known that whatever he said to me next wasn’t going to be good, but I couldn’t stop myself from opening his email with the same eager anticipation that I’ve had for the past 15 months. I knew and yet I couldn’t stop myself. As I read each word, I could feel the scalpel cutting into my chest. I could feel the slice but it was if I were numb. This couldn’t be happening, not to us. Not when we love each other as much as we do.

But it was happening. It did happen. He needs his focus to be 100% on his wife and while I understand that and want that too, it doesn’t seem to stop the pain. He says this way it’s cleaner, that a surgical cut heals faster and better than a jagged cut, but he’s wrong. Both hurt like hell. I don’t know how our relationship or love compares to cuts, but I know he’s wrong if he thinks sudden is better. If he’d given us time, believed in me and that I’d stand by him no matter, then there wouldn’t be a cut that needed healing.

I would do anything for him. Anything. That includes stepping back while he does what he has to do. I tried to be strong in the email, to tell him that it doesn’t change anything, that I still love him and I will be here no matter what and I meant everything I said. I did. It can’t be over between us. We’re too good together. We love each other too much. I lost it when I canceled the hotel room though. It was the thing that made it real. I won’t be seeing him in 19 days. I won’t be back in his arms. We won’t be holding each other or making love. It became real and it broke my heart.

Now, I’m overwhelmed with emotion. I want to hurt myself. I want to scratch and bruise myself until all the emotion is drained away. I want to hide from the world and never go out again. Don’t hide. Stop hiding. You’re too amazing for that. That’s what he told me. I believed him. Now, my heart aches and I can’t stop the tears. I can barely breathe. Somewhere inside of me I know that I can live without him but my heart keeps screaming that it doesn’t want to. Why should I? Why should I have to live without the one man who loved me for me and who saw me for me? Why should I have to be without the one man that I trusted?

I know this isn’t rational. I know that maybe it’s not even right. He knew though. He knew that I’d scream it’s not fair, even if I only did it inside my head. It isn’t fair and I feel selfish and horrible for saying those words. It isn’t fair that she’s dying. It isn’t fair that the universe let me love him so much that my soul aches. It isn’t fair. None of this is fair.

I’ve read his email a dozen times and it’d be so easy to see hope within the lines. It’d be easy to focus on how he says our time together wasn’t enough, and he doesn’t know what lays ahead after she’s gone. It’d be easy to find hope but hoping just leads to hurting. Everything in me is a battle right now. I so desperately want to hope that he’ll see what I wrote in the email and believe in us enough to say okay. I’m also horribly terrified of being hurt by him. That’s the trouble with love. When you love someone, you give them the power to destroy you. I’m teetering on that edge and I’m afraid of what’s next.